EDITED TO ADD: If you are coming to the blog from an email I sent you about New Years wishes, please read down a little further after this “resolutions” entry, the New Years wishes are down there. 
New Years Day is always a day for making promises to myself that I don’t intend to keep.
It is a longstanding tradition for Kelsey, Jorden and I to sit down at the dawning of a new year and voice various personal resolutions to each other. It always seems somewhat bold and exhilarating to make these pledges to ourselves. Yet I don’t ever remember feeling any concrete conviction that I was going to keep those promises, even as they left my lips.
This year is different.
This will be a year of new beginnings for me. It is not the Buddhist New Year, yet today marks the beginning of a new decade and seems the perfect time to be reborn. So here are my pledges to myself, in no particular order of importance:
A New Body
I feel very strongly that this is the year that the thin woman in my head will reveal herself from inside this body that she is trapped inside. I told a friend once that I suffer from the opposite of anorexia; I look in the mirror and see a much thinner woman that is actually reflected there. The psychological meaning behind that is not lost on me. But when I see a photograph of myself I am shocked to see the size of the woman in the photo, and I’m not quite sure how I got there. I was thin and fit before I had my kids so I can likely blame them for wreaking that havoc on my body, but that’s just an easy evasion of the truth. Evasion is what all great addicts learn early. The truth is I have finally realized that somewhere along the way I have transferred addictions and turned it to food. It is a pretty definitive turnover if you look back, a transfer from harmful one-thing-or-anothers to cigarettes and then to food. So for my health and longevity I am now going to transfer that one more time to exercise. I’m also going to work on harnessing that addictive power and using for more positive change in myself that will assist my other resolutions.
No Gossiping
I have never had a problem with admitting to my love of gossip. I used to say I only liked “harmless gossip”, but since studying Buddhism I realize that no gossip is harmless. I do not need to know every aspect of other peoples’ lives and I do not need to speak of their mishaps and mistakes without them present. If someone wrongs me in some way, I need to speak only to them about it, not to a group of others. This won’t be easy for me, but I am at the very least going to make some improvement in this area. The one aspect that I have to try to figure out that puzzles me is the difference between venting and gossiping. I believe everyone needs to vent at some point. Perhaps this is accomplished by venting to one person, a close friend or a relative. Perhaps it becomes gossip when it is leaked to many individuals or when it is untrue or unproven. I will try to learn more and elaborate on my knowledge in this area as well.
More Meditation
I am notoriously horrible at meditation. I will spell it out for you: A.D.H.D. Sitting for longer than five minutes without a book or computer in front of me or someone to chat with is one of the hardest things I can ever attempt. For this reason, I have yet to be able to reach a true meditative state. I see the importance of meditation and I understand how to attain a state of quiet reflection. My goal is to be able to truly meditate when I need to.
Less Anger
Phew, that was hard to type. But I did. And I said it out loud. It’s hard to admit ones faults, especially when the fault is one that has an impact and affect on those around you. I have lived with a lot of anger in my soul for most of my life due to environmental causes and my biggest peace came when I managed to let a solid chunk of that anger melt away over the past year. However, there is still some excess that remains and I intend to rid myself of this last bit. Anger is simply a self-indulgent poison to one’s soul. As humans, we need to practice loving kindness toward all beings that is free of selfish attachment. This includes the person going too slow in front of me on the freeway, the person who budges in line in front of me, or even a close friend who betrays me. Of course anger should not be dismissed, ignored, or repressed. Rather, the energy causing the anger should be recognized and constructively channeled. I am going further practice transforming those angry feelings and releasing them or redirecting them creatively.
Saving Money
Over the past year I have become a great deal less superficial and dependent on material things than I once was. Through the study of Buddhism I have come to terms with what is “want” and what is “need”. There is no more “keeping up with the Jones’” for me and that has been the most liberating change. Coming from lives of poverty it took many years of hard work for my husband and me to build our lives to where they are now. Living in a town where most of the other families are upper-middle-class folks who have had blessed lives has often made it hard for us, leading to us working very hard to keep up. It has been wonderful to unshackle ourselves from feeling like we need the best car, the best home, designer clothes, etc.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still many materialistic things that I enjoy. Shoes, for instance. I guess the difference is that I buy things because I really like them, or they make me feel good versus buying them just to show off that I have them. For example, I love shoes and I have a lot of them. But I don’t own any Manolo Blahnik’s, and I don’t see any use in paying $400 for a pair of shoes unless they are shoes that are hard to fit for me, or will last me a great many years. I do not purchase by brand; to do so is to buy things to show off your money.
This year I’m going to work on getting even better at this. Before I make a purchase I will ask myself why I am buying that item. Is it useful to me? Is it something I truly need? Do I really love it and does the item make me feel really happy? Or do I want this item just so others will see me with it?
Hug and Kiss My Kids More
Oh, my kids will be pleased with this one. (<- that’s sarcasm)
If you know me at all, you know that I am very cuddly with my kids. But there is always room for more love and affection. I plan on doubling my hug and kiss count from my kids.
Well, those are my resolutions. I am extremely confident in my ability to stick with them this year. I finally feel that sense of conviction in my pledges that hasn’t been there before. Perhaps because these are all things that will not only make me a happier person more at peace, but will have the same effect on those around me. That is the best gift I could give to others.
So much sadness, hurt and pain existed there. You all stood by me through that, offering such great advice, often just a shoulder to lean on and a word of support from far reaching corners of the globe. I thank you for that, for standing by me while I worked through so much suffering. I think you helped. In fact, I know you did. Look at me now!