It’s been really hard since Christmas. Well, since December 17th. That’s the day she drove out there and stuck the vacuum tube on her tailpipe and then climbed into the backseat of the truck and lay down, waiting to die.

Then there’s Christmas Eve, when we got the call about midnight that they had found her.

Starting on the 17th, I started having all those visions again. Visions of her opening the closet door and  pulling the tube off the vacuum cleaner and heading out the apartment door. Visions of her 2 hour drive to deep in Sooke, wondering what she was thinking the whole time. Visions of her attaching the hose, laying in the back, and seeing her crying there. Wondering  if she thought of me in her last moments, if she thought of the kids. And mostly the crushing guilt is back, as I imagine how alone she must have felt at that moment, in the truck in the cold, in the wilderness. Alone. And nothing I could do, I couldn’t save her this time. Could I have saved her this time if I had tried sooner? I dunno. But the mind is a weird thing sometimes, and it tries to make be believe that I certainly could have. No matter how much I tell myself that one day I wouldn’t be able to stop her, even if that day wasnt’ this time. It’s like my mind won’t listen to that rationale.

So, I sit here late at night and I write, hoping that by spilling my words on the paper and my tears on my shirt I can relieve the Hoover Dam of guilt I’m bearing. I can’t share it with anyone, so writing is my only relief right now. I’m going to write a book. Maybe two. But I’m starting one, and if I ever publish it, well that will be a byproduct of my healing, I think.

I made a slideshow from all the photos of her I have finally forced myself to go through. I scanned them all so I can make photo books for the kids to have of her, to know her and remember her. In doing this, I created a wonderful slideshow of her life up to a few months before her suicide. Click on the link below to see it. The song is beautiful, it was sent to me by someone - an anonymous someone - as a thoughtful consideration to me. Whoever you are that sent this song to me, please know how much I thank you for not only bringing my attention to a beautiful song and a beautiful singer…but for giving me a song that goes so well with my slideshow and a song that helps me to grieve, which I need to do. It was one of the most touching things anyone has ever done for me. Seems so simple and crazy, I know. But it was.

Slideshow

I came across this poem today (Stumble! is a wonderful thing )  and while I was reading it, every single line was reverberating in me. It was almost uncanny, like the author wrote it while sitting inside my soul. I am going to print it up all nice-like and hang it on my office wall, I think.

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don’t care back.
And it’s not the end of the world.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I’ve learned that it’s not what happens to people,
It’s what they do about it.
I’ve learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I’ve learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can’t.

I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done
regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don’t know how to show it.
I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn’t five me the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to
doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they’re going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other.
And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I’ve learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I’ve learned taht your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don’t even know you.
I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned that writing,
as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice
and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I’ve learned to love
and be loved.
I’ve learned…

–Omer B. Washington

I often wonder about fate, or destiny. Does one have to adopt a particular religion to believe in these two concepts? Is the abstraction of “Fate” and a belief in a God or Gods mutually exclusive? How can Fate be determined without the idea that a higher power is creating your predetermined life in some way? I don’t know the answers to these questions.

I don’t know that I believe in Fate, or Destiny either. But I do know that I have experienced reacurring themes in my life that one could interpret as a leaning toward Fate. Perhaps it’s just the law of coincidence. But it’s sure more comforting to believe that things are happening for a reason. I guess it validates our ups and downs for us, I think it even helps to give us hope when all we feel is despair. So maybe there’s nothing wrong in believing in a fatefull occurence if it helps us deal with emotions or situations that are way too much for us to handle.

Kelsey met a new friend at school this year, Grade 9 now. Well, she met a lot of new friends, but this one in particular stands out. Kelsey described him as a very nice boy, but perhaps a little socially “awkward”. But most of Kelsey’s friends are. That’s another funny thing, because she is a girl that has no problems socially, she is very fashionable, easy to get along with. But she has always preferred this group of people over the “popular crowd”. I think she feels more comfortable to be herself, as her friends don’t judge each other or anyone else. They aren’t worried about having the latest shoes or the best car. Those pressures seem to be lessened for them and they all just enjoy each other’s company, and just being kids.

But I digress!  So Kelsey’s new friend…we’ll call him Jude.  Kelsey tells me that Jude is always depressed, and saying things like “life is too hard” and Kelsey is worried about him. She was especially in tune to these warning signs given the suicide of my mom last Christmas. So she finally talks him into going to see  the school counselor by offering to go with him and stay with him. When they were waiting in the waiting area, Kelsey told him that she had spent the last half of last school year coming to the counselor’s office because her NaNa committed suicide last Christmas Eve. This boy then opened up to her…he turned to Kelsey and revealed to her the horrible and saddest thing ever;  that his mother had committed suicide two years ago.

Turns out he had never talked to anyone about it, and had considered suicide himself many times. He is now in counselling at school, and in grief counselling with his father who didn’t even know how much he was hurting. And Kelsey is going to attend the teen grief group with him so that he has some support. She said this week he seems so much happier, and he told her he feels soo much better getting it all off his chest and having someone to talk to his own age (Kelsey) who has been through the same thing as him and understands. So in some weird, round-about way my mom’s death could perhaps have saved the life of someone else.

So is that fate? Was it fate that my mom died so that Kelsey could save this boy? Was that my mother’s destiny? Could things be so intertwined in the universe as to make this happen? Who knows. All I know is that my daughter was an angel this week. A REAL angel. And that by reaching out to someone who needed it, she may have saved someone’s life.

I am so very proud of my daughter. yet at the same time, it begets the question of why I couldn’t have done the same for my mom.

So if you’re subsribed to my Blog, you’re probably like all “holy shite, she actually wrote another entry!”  I know, it’s been a long time. I’ve been so busy I can’t even describe it. There’s no word to describe how busy I’ve been, I need to make up a whole new word for it.

 I’m going to start writing again in this blog, for a few reasons. For one, I think those folks who like hearing from me or reading about me and who have been so supportive and kind and loyal to me in the past deserve it.  For two, some of my friends/assorted family members who read this blog don’t have facebook or another way of knowing what the heck I”m up to.  Three,  it’s just so narcissitic to write about oneself and I think it helps my ego and general low-self-esteem to know that people actually are READING what I write about myself. :)  Finally, it is nearing Christmas and as my life edges ever closer to the day that should be all about jollyness, family time, and peace on earth, I am unfortunatey suffering from the feeling of impending doom as for me we are also edging nearer to Christmas Eve which brings about bad memories of that tumultous night one year ago. And so far I’ve been dealing with that by prentending Christmas ISN’T so close and by not thinking about it, but as the stores empty out Halloween and bring in Christmas, the reminders are all around me.

 So on the subject of Halloween, how about some photos of the great night that I love so much.

I have not photos of my costume, unfortunately! But I went as my son. Jorden. ha! It was very funny. I went into his class while they were out at Recess and sat in his desk. I had a wig just like his hair, I wore his DC Skate shoes, his DC baseball hat, had his iPod in my ears, wore John’s suit jacket (jorden is wearing one as a jacket these days, says it’s his ’style’) carried his guitar hero guitar, and doused myself in so much AXE body spray that I stunk up the car AND the school. They came in from recess, and Jorden looks at me and says, “Mom, you’re wearing my shoes…” then he looks upward for a second look at the whole package and exclaims…”oh my GOD, you’re ME!”
The kids were all laughing their heads off, and i strutted over to his best friend in my best “jorden strut” and asked him if he wanted to hang after school and play a little Rock Band. They laughed some more.

So here’s Jorden’s costume….and all I have to say is that it’s wonderful to have a boy with such high self-esteem that he will go out dressed like this:

A butterfly, complete with body glitter everywhere!! It is Kelsey’s old dance costume. Man, did he get a lot of laughs, especially from the adults!

Here’s a funny photo I took, Jorden trying out all Kelsey’s dance costumes for the best fairy/butterfly/princess one.

Kelsey went as a Jellicle Cat from the musical, CATS. Very fitting for her! I sewed the fur arm bands with velcro, and I glued false nails to the fingertips of white gloves then painted them black, for claws. She looked terrific!

 

Here are Kelsey and her two bestest friends, The Queen of Hearts, and the 50’s Movie Star:

 

I will write again soon! Thanks for reading.